Saturday, February 18, 2012


This week has not been a great feeling week.  I've been having bad health days.  I'm not sure why but I feel the need to pretend more in front of people.  I don't want them to see me sick but I can't always hide it and then I feel weak.  I don't like having to use a wheelchair or another person in order to get around, but it is the lesser of two evils.  I've found out many times that it's worse to pass out and get sick in front of people.  I make it worse sometimes, when I don't want people to see and I try to push myself.  I did that today, I tried to push and control and show this illness who was boss.  It's not me.  I am not the boss.  I am fully willing to admit that.  I got halfway through unloading the dishwasher before my legs started shaking and the room spinning.  I got to pay for pushing back all day.  It steals my energy for a long time after I push.  It gives me a weird confusing, thought muddling headache.  Did you ever go swimming for a kid and hold your breath under water for too long and get a headache?  It's like that, but it won't go away.  But I am a prideful person.  I still push even though I know I'll regret it later.  

We still don't have any answers.  I had high hopes regarding answers.  I had more tests that I was SURE would give us something.  Nothing.  Not a thing.  And while I am so grateful that the tests were good I am also so frustrated because I just want something concrete.  I want to know how to fix this and get better.  I want to say something profound and inspiring but the simple truth is the only thing I can do right now is hope that we will figure this out.  If I focus too much on the bad I get down in the dumps.  I have hope because I am too scared and too stupid to be a realist.  And my head is killing me and these new symptoms that have developed recently are annoying.  And I'm getting fat.  Just thought I'd throw that last one in there.  I guess that's what happens when you become an invalid recluse.  There's no way to burn calories without risking head injury.  I get a lot less bumps and bruises if I pass out while laying down.  Unless I'm eating when I pass out and choke on my popcorn.  What a way to go, eh?