Frustration

This week has not been a great feeling week.  I've been having bad health days.  I'm not sure why but I feel the need to pretend more in front of people.  I don't want them to see me sick but I can't always hide it and then I feel weak.  I don't like having to use a wheelchair or another person in order to get around, but it is the lesser of two evils.  I've found out many times that it's worse to pass out and get sick in front of people.  I make it worse sometimes, when I don't want people to see and I try to push myself.  I did that today, I tried to push and control and show this illness who was boss.  It's not me.  I am not the boss.  I am fully willing to admit that.  I got halfway through unloading the dishwasher before my legs started shaking and the room spinning.  I got to pay for pushing back all day.  It steals my energy for a long time after I push.  It gives me a weird confusing, thought muddling headache.  Did you ever go swimming for a kid and hold your breath under water for too long and get a headache?  It's like that, but it won't go away.  But I am a prideful person.  I still push even though I know I'll regret it later.  


We still don't have any answers.  I had high hopes regarding answers.  I had more tests that I was SURE would give us something.  Nothing.  Not a thing.  And while I am so grateful that the tests were good I am also so frustrated because I just want something concrete.  I want to know how to fix this and get better.  I want to say something profound and inspiring but the simple truth is the only thing I can do right now is hope that we will figure this out.  If I focus too much on the bad I get down in the dumps.  I have hope because I am too scared and too stupid to be a realist.  And my head is killing me and these new symptoms that have developed recently are annoying.  And I'm getting fat.  Just thought I'd throw that last one in there.  I guess that's what happens when you become an invalid recluse.  There's no way to burn calories without risking head injury.  I get a lot less bumps and bruises if I pass out while laying down.  Unless I'm eating when I pass out and choke on my popcorn.  What a way to go, eh?

This Street Is As Dark As My Grandmother's Soul

I'm not sure why my neighborhood doesn't have street lights.  It is very creepy and encourages me to have serial killer/slasher movie/conspiracy theory type thoughts. Maybe there aren't any lights because no one has any need to go outside and meet each other or have neighborhood barbecues or any of that awesome neighbor stuff I imagine in the 50's housewife part of my brain. We've lived here almost a whole year and I don't know any of my neighbors.  I can see in your window and I don't know your name.  That feels like something that a stalker should be saying.  Or something that I can cross-stitch onto a pillow *upcoming invalid activity alert*!


Speaking of recluse individuals, when we first moved in I remember Husbandman telling me I was crazy because I was pretty sure 100% positive the old guy next door had rear-windowed his wife.  I mean, I had never ever seen her even though he kept talking about her AND he has weird patches of small garden plots spread randomly all around the backyard instead of just one big garden plot. What was I supposed to imagine?  Plus I just thought it would've been cool if I could have discovered an awesome murder and solved the crime and stuff...Turns out he didn't rear-window her (someday I'll discover and solve an elaborate crime that's been committed and no one will believe me just like they didn't believe Jimmy Stewart so I'll have to break into the dude's house and sleuth around and all that good stuff).  She is just one of those recluse ladies who looks exactly like Paula Deen.  Also her name is Paula.  No joke.

And he turned out to be a really awesome crotchety grumpy old man with a heart of gold, like an old man from a Disney film.  Still with all there awesomeness I just barely confirmed her name this week.  I've seen her a total of exactly two times this whole year (she has curtains).


I'm suddenly realizing I need to get out of the house more.
Actually no I don't.  I just need a telephoto lens.